How to Encourage and Motivate Young Adult Children (18+) Living at Home

In an increasingly difficult economy, more and more adult children are remaining in their parents' homes much longer than in earlier times.

High rates of unemployment and the difficulty of landing decent jobs only add to their frustration at not being able to spread their wings and 'fly' from our 'nests.' While they are trying to finish school, working and deciding their own life plan, they are finding it necessary to lean on us - their parents.

Today's realities have made it necessary for parents to muster up a little extra patience and realize their importance in the way of support and encouragement. Parents' attitudes can be a great source of motivation and encouragement as young adult children try to reach a point of separation from them. Most young people do NOT want to live in their parents' homes any longer than necessary.

They long for the day when they can be independent of their parents' financial (and other) support and stand on their own two feet. Ultimately, they want to make us, as well as themselves proud.
From my own personal experience, here are some tips and suggestions to guide parents of young adult children who are still living at home. After all, what goes around, comes around, as the old saying goes.

There will most likely come a day that we will need THEM to encourage and support US! Young adult children will surely remember the patience, understanding, concern and kindness we have given them and return it ten-fold.

1. LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE
Maybe your son stands a foot taller than you now, or your daughter's makeup and wardrobe collections seem to be her biggest interest, but you have to remember back to 'the good old days' - when your kids relied on you for most everything! Posting early childhood photos of your young adult children on your refrigerator will remind you daily that they are still your prides and joys! They might LOOK all grown up but they are still struggling to grow and separate from you to lead lives of their own. Remember that even though they don't require as much from you, physically, they still need to know that you love them and support their efforts to grow up and get out on their own.

2. DON'T QUIT PARENTING TOO SOON
Many people think that raising a child ends when they turn 18 years old. Not so! A parent's job is never done, no matter how old they are. Yes, you are now in a new phase of their lives - one in which teaching new skills has been lessened. Now is the time to reinforce many things that you have spent many years teaching them such as honesty, integrity, work ethic, goal setting and self-confidence. Your parenting duties have now taken on a different roll but your presence is greatly important!

3. BE THERE FOR THEM
Even though we are all busy with our own jobs, commitments and chores, parents of adult children (over 18) need to let them know that we are there for them when they need us. Their needs are much different than they were as young kids. We are no longer changing diapers or carpooling them to their various functions. They are no longer making crayon drawings for us with colorful messages like 'I Love You.' Do not misinterpret this change of 'seasons ' with them. They DO love us but are caught up in trying to become independent of us now. They have different worries and concerns that aren't always easy to tap into unless you make yourself available to them. This is easily done by scheduling times to talk regularly with them. Initiate conversations at any time when the opportunity presents itself or decide upon a scheduled time to talk that will work best for both of you. Of course this will be different for each family, depending on their time demands and schedules.

4. LISTEN
This is a hard one sometimes but by honing in on your listening skills is a most necessary step to a good relationship with your young adult children. Even though we may think they are being ridiculous at times, we need to be non-judgmental and realize that this 'thing' they are concerned about is real to them. Stress and worries are different for all of us depending on what is going on in our lives. Help your young adult child learn to address and face their fears and worries. Offer healthy advice on how they might be able to change the way they feel and be more in control of their future experiences. Sharing similar instances from your own life is a valuable tool, as well. The more you listen the more you will learn and be better able to be a support system for them.

5. TALK ABOUT GOALS
By now, your young adult children surely have some idea of what kind of life they would love to have. Many of them have since began baby steps towards those goals as well. That is a good thing! Setting goals that are realistic and reachable is very important in order to maintain momentum. Although it is important to always keep that BIG goal in sight, it is equally important to set smaller goals along the way. As an example, if your child is enrolled in college courses, the completion of each semester is a smaller goal within the bigger one of obtaining a degree! Point these things out to your young adult children so that they can be made to take notice of their ongoing success in reaching their goals!

6. ALLOW THEM TO LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES
We were all young once and most of us have made many mistakes that we'd much rather forget about than remember. If we look back, we can now see that some of those mistakes taught us some big and rich life lessons. Isn't your adult child worthy of that same learning experience? Bottom line is that they WILL make mistakes and it's okay. One of my favorite quotes is "Once is a mistake but twice is stupidity.' Don't expect your young adult child to be perfect. No one is or ever has been - not even you!


7. INSTILL A 'YOU CAN DO IT' MENTALITY
You've probably been doing this for years, but keep on going! Your young adult child may need to hear you say that you are sure they can do whatever it is they have to do along the way. Knowing (and hearing) that you believe in them has a huge value. It will give them an extra boost of confidence to go to that big job interview.....or take that dreaded final exam at school. Occasionally mention to them how proud you are of their efforts. Remind that hard work pays off. These kinds of comments will stick with them throughout their lives, so be free (but honest) with them if that is what you feel.

8. TAKE NOTE OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Any and all accomplishments made by your young adult child deserve notice! Excessive praise is not what we are looking for here. But by taking a moment to verbally congratulate them on their accomplishment is another way to positively reinforce to them that their efforts have been good enough to warrant your compliment. I've found that an extra smile goes across my kids' faces if they happen to overhear me telling someone else about one of their recent accomplishments! Doesn't everyone like to hear something good being said about them ??


9. REINFORCE THE VALUE OF THEIR EDUCATION
Most young adult children are juggling a lot in their daily lives. They are working part time jobs, socializing as well as taking classes for college credits. Along the way they can begin feeling like it isn't mattering - they aren't looking at the whole picture. This is a good time to reinforce to them that what they are doing/learning in their classes IS valuable towards their future! Each and every credit that is earned is taking them one step closer to their goal of a college degree! Remind them that their continued education will set them apart from those who never bothered taking time for college learning. What they learn will be theirs to keep forever and will also speak volumes about them to a potential employer one day.

10. EXPECT THEM TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOME ENVIRONMENT
This all important step will assure that everyone else in the household will maintain their sanity and serenity. Setting ground rules and laying out basic expectations is a necessary step in helping your young adult child learn to respect others. Unless they are paying all of your bills and expenses, they have no right to expect everyone else to succumb to their way of living. Respect is the key here. The world is full of rules and guidelines for us ALL to follow so why not start here in teaching them to act like an adult and be considerate of others' feelings. A little bit of consideration goes a long way in upholding family peace. Also, if your young adult child is able, it is a good idea to expect them to pay a reasonable amount of money as 'rent.' After all, life is not free for any adult. If you feel guilty about doing this, you can always place any money your young adult child gives you into a savings account and give it back to them one day as a gift.

11. KEEP TEACHING THE VALUE OF SAVING MONEY
Saving for that proverbial 'rainy day' is an important way we can all invest in our futures. This is a great time to KEEP teaching the value of money. A young adult child can easily capitalize on their 'free ride' and come to realize how much disposable income they have by living with you. That is why giving them some financial responsibilities carries a lot of weight at this time. Sit down together to decide on the amount of money (or percentage of their income) they are planning on putting away in a bank account. They may argue at first that they don't make enough money to save any. That is not true. Even a little saved is better than none. It might inspire them to save more if they set a goal as to what they are saving for! Maybe a new car could be in their future - or enough money to move out of the home when they are ready could be gathered in this way.


12. ALWAYS BE RESPECTFUL
If you give respect, you will get it back. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect - even your young adult children. Remain calm, fight fair and remember that you are the parent in this situation and should lead by your example as to how problems, worries, stresses and fear can be addressed and solved.

13. CONTINUE ACTIVATING CONSEQUENSES FOR BAD BEHAVIOR
This step requires parents to continue with what they have been doing all along. Bad behavior, especially that of the repeated variety, deserves consequences. This is true for all of us, really, so it needs to be a part of your relationship with your young adult child living in your home. If they do not respect your home or you, you need to be clear that it is not acceptable to you and sit down with them and brainstorm a realistic consequence together. After all, they are now old enough to know what it takes to avoid this situation with you.

14. BE POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL
It won't be long until your young adult child is out living the life they long for outside of your home. Make the best of this ever changing time with them and remain positive. Good things do happen to good people and they WILL happen to your consciencious young adult child. They (as well as you) should EXPECT good things and remain hopeful for a happy result. Never stop believing that they will succeed and they will love you for that forever!